There’s one thing I find so despicably abhorrent that I almost dare not say it, similar to ‘Voldemort’ except this is much worse and I’m far less of a pathetic wuss, it’s people who I invite to lunch and then think it’s okay to rock up having already eaten a lunch.

These disastrous situations feel like how I imagine being in a horror movie feels like. It’s summertime. You and your friends are all just having the best time and can’t wait to get down to Jimmy’s uncles cabin for the weekend just like you can’t wait to all eat an arranged meal at the same time. You sit there and smile as you order your big breakfast with extra haloumi, blissfully unaware of what’s about to happen until suddenly Jimmy says he’s not having anything and you’ve arrived at the cabin only to be instantly stabbed multiple times, first in the back and then in the face, both by Jimmy.

How could you do this to me Jimmy?

I ask Jimmy what the hell he means and he says ‘I dunno, I just didn’t want to spend any money and mum made me sandwich.’

Honestly Jimmy, if you are going to be pulling this trash on me you can kiss my sweet lunch invitations goodbye. What’s your mum’s miserable sandwich got that this sick new lunch spot I’ve suggested doesn’t? I don’t know what you thought I meant when I said let’s get lunch but it makes me sick that I’m going to have to sit here like I’m bloody Steven Glansberg and eat my lunch alone. And I know that I’m not really alone and that you’re still here but it’s just not the same. All I wanted to do was ask you how your meal was and then you’d say something like ‘ aw pretty average’ and we’d both laugh and it’d be what lunches are all about. You’ve spoiled that Jimmy.

Just forget it Jimmy, it’s too late for you to salvage this by claiming you could ‘probably fit a croissant in’. Why don’t you just sit there like the thoughtless, fun-sucking cretin that you are. Spare me your pitiful croissant and re-evaluate your lunch choices.



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