My body works extra hard to prevent a full-blown projectile vomiting frenzy when I see some greasy haired turd eating a big bowl of greasy chips at a family dinner.

Sitting there with his headphones on, watching some dreadfully bad Kevin Hart comedy but not laughing, just spluttering some indecipherable nonsense through a mouthful of coke when his grandparents asks him how’s school been going.

Cheerful dads come up to me and order for the family but when it comes down to the little chubster wearing all black and looking down to the floor with hands in pockets their tone changes.

‘Ah, just a big bowl of chips for this one, he’s a fussy eater.’

‘Oh, and I see here it comes with aioli? I might just swap that out for extra tomato sauce.’

This dad needs to get real. He’s lost the plot.

What kind of weak kid can’t even handle a chicken schnitzel or perhaps some nuggets? I mean goodness me mate your 6 year old sister stepped up when it mattered, cut out the nonsense and made the decisive call to tell me to my face that she wanted the pasta. What a little legend. You on the other hand need to take a good hard look at yourself. But if you can’t even work up the gall to try a piece of fried fish at 12 years old it’s likely that all hope is lost for you.

Okay, to cut you some slack I know that your parents are probably about as fun to listen to as the noises that come from their room late at night that you don’t really understand. But the truth is that’s the way it should be. Start at least pretending to be listening to their bland drivel and attempt to engage in some social interaction. You’ll be a better person for it in the long run. Because the truth is, everyone, including your family, already thinks you suck and it’s now become your job, even though you don’t know it yet, to prove them wrong.

I’m not holding my breath though. Small steps, try the aioli next time.

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