Milk haters

People who tell me they hate milk and that’s it’s bad for me should just get a life and get the hell out of my face.

Why bother wasting your breath? What’s milk ever done to you?

‘Human’s aren’t meant to drink cows milk, our bodies can’t handle it and it makes us sick’

Milk makes you sick? It makes me a whole lot sicker that it makes you sick. And I don’t feel bad for you because you claim to be feeling ill. I feel sick because you are putting the bad word down on milk when it just doesn’t deserve it. Read more

Advertisements

Kids who only eat chips

My body works extra hard to prevent a full-blown projectile vomiting frenzy when I see some greasy haired turd eating a big bowl of greasy chips at a family dinner.

Sitting there with his headphones on, watching some dreadfully bad Kevin Hart comedy but not laughing, just spluttering some indecipherable nonsense through a mouthful of coke when his grandparents asks him how’s school been going. Read more

Faux Nerds

People that smugly self-proclaim themselves as nerds without exhibiting any of the traits that the stereotype was founded on are the worst types of people.

Fun fact: The word ‘nerd’ was popularised in America in the the early 1990s because the popular people wanted a word to call the less popular people.The popular people were popular because they got drunk all the time, what’s drunk backwards? Knurd, which then became nerd. Read more

Lunchless Lunchgoers

There’s one thing I find so despicably abhorrent that I almost dare not say it, similar to ‘Voldemort’ except this is much worse and I’m far less of a pathetic wuss, it’s people who I invite to lunch and then think it’s okay to rock up having already eaten a lunch.

These disastrous situations feel like how I imagine being in a horror movie feels like. It’s summertime. You and your friends are all just having the best time and can’t wait to get down to Jimmy’s uncles cabin for the weekend just like you can’t wait to all eat an arranged meal at the same time. You sit there and smile as you order your big breakfast with extra haloumi, blissfully unaware of what’s about to happen until suddenly Jimmy says he’s not having anything and you’ve arrived at the cabin only to be instantly stabbed multiple times, first in the back and then in the face, both by Jimmy.

Read more

Enjoy my petty gripes

I want this blog to be like a car crusher and I want my pet-peeves to be the car. I don’t want to completely eliminate these thoughts, I’d rather just process them into a little cube that I can keep for later. So, that instead of driving around with them all day thinking things like  ‘I can’t believe that absolute dingle-berry didn’t bother flicking the power switch off after unplugging their charger’, I can take them home and keep them in my shed to show my friends when they come over and get to complain about what a waste of time this cube was and that I wish I had a car still.

The thoughts I’ll be sharing in this blog are too nauseatingly tedious to get even halfway through telling someone on a night out before they look to both sides, check their watch and say ‘hey, i’m just going to go get another drink’ even though their drink is clearly more than halfway full. However, with this blog I’ll have the opportunity to go into excruciatingly explicit detail about the things that’ll leave me bewildered for weeks, usually other peoples stupidity.